Listen More, Talk Less

There are so many lessons to learn as educational leaders, but the most important is always this:

Listen more, talk less.

I had to learn this the hard way. I used to fancy myself as a great debater, someone who loved to finish others’ sentences to show I was right there with them. Didn’t this demonstrate that I was actively engaged in the conversation?

Turns out, not really.

I also tend to think out loud at times as I process new ideas and information and synthesize it. This helps me to understand where the new learning fits into my current schema. Now, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but knowing when to do it and when not to is key.

In my professional life, listening first is especially important. I first grew my awareness about this as a student of Adaptive Schools and Cognitive Coaching, from the Cognitive Coaching Center. One very astute leader required that all of us in Education Services at the County Office level become skilled in these protocols and processes. It turned out she was incredibly insightful as this training has informed my work ever since.

Here’s what hit me first:

Listen to Understand, not to speak.

Yikes!! That one hit me right between the eyes. I asked myself, do I practice that in my work? Or even in my home life? It was a significant moment of reflection for me to consider in all areas of my life.

It sounds so easy to do, to listen before talking, but it can be challenging in our roles as educational leaders. There is so much to do that we often find ourselves making overly quick decisions and cutting people off.

Interrupting and imposing solutions sends a variety of messages:

• I’m more important than you are.
• What I have to say is more important, interesting, or accurate.
• I don’t have time for your opinion.
• I don’t really care what you think.

These are all messages none of us intends to send. They are simply the unintended consequences of not listening first to understand what is being said.

“Sometimes it’s interesting that the loudest voices don’t necessarily represent the largest groups of people.”

Theresa Rouse, Superintendent, Joliet (IL) Public Schools

Has this ever happened to you?

Practicing listening has had a huge impact on me as a leader. And it can do the same for you.

As a new site principal, it took some time to put this into practice but over time it greatly improved my actions in various leadership roles. Once I realized that all the quick decisions I made, including those with not-so-desirable results, were owned only by me, it became clear that I wasn’t involving others enough in decision-making.

Over time, I learned to start practicing active listening. I let people talk the whole way through their points without interrupting. Giving people the time to share and communicate is truly a gift–one that is appreciated by the person speaking. This is a very effective way to build relationships and to show you care about what the other person has to say.

I’ve learned to paraphrased other’s words to ensure I understand. Asking thoughtful questions was a much more effective way to communicate than jumping to conclusions–often solutions that were not thoroughly considered.

In my role as a presenter and facilitator, I also found listening to be effective. When I first started presenting, I told stories, shared examples, and totally overtalked. While it was entertaining and beautifully orchestrated, I neglected to allow the audience to actively engage in the learning. (Very much like any learning and a practice we know is true in the classroom.)

Once I began to practice listening more, I gave ownership of the conversation and responses to my content from the audience. They talked and shared ideas and learned much more about concepts through thinking and talking it through with partners than hearing a long diatribe from me.

ONCE AGAIN, LISTENING MORE AND TALKING LESS WORKED BEST.

To listen effectively, one really has to pay attention. You need to face the speaker when standing or come out from behind your desk to sit in a neutral space. Speaking across your desk to someone illustrates that you are the authority. While this is sometimes necessary, for one-to-one conversations, try to step out from behind your desk and have a person-to-person conversation. This behavior builds rapport and trust.

We also must consider that not everyone talks and thinks at the same speed. If you’re like me, you are a quick thinker and have to work at slowing down and allowing space for those who process more slowly. These folks are often your most thoughtful communicators and are worthwhile to listen to.

To listen effectively, one really has to pay attention. You need to face the speaker when standing or come out from behind your desk to sit in a neutral space. Speaking across your desk to someone illustrates that you are the authority. While this is sometimes necessary, for one-to-one conversations, try to step out from behind and have a person-to-person conversation.

We also must consider that not everyone talks and thinks at the same speed. If you’re like me, you are a quick thinking and have to work at slowing down and allowing space for those who process more slowly. They are often your most thoughtful communicators and worthwhile to listen to.

To listen effectively, one really has to pay attention. You need to face the speaker when standing or come out from behind your desk to sit in a neutral space. Speaking across your desk to someone illustrates that you are the authority. While this is sometimes necessary, for one-to-one conversations, try to step out from behind and have a person-to-person conversation.

We also must consider that not everyone talks and thinks at the same speed. If you’re like me, you are a quick thinking and have to work at slowing down and allowing space for those who process more slowly. They are often your most thoughtful communicators and worthwhile to listen to.

To listen effectively, one really has to pay attention. You need to face the speaker when standing or come out from behind your desk to sit in a neutral space. Speaking across your desk to someone illustrates that you are the authority. While this is sometimes necessary, for one-to-one conversations, try to step out from behind and have a person-to-person conversation.

We also must consider that not everyone talks and thinks at the same speed. If you’re like me, you are a quick thinking and have to work at slowing down and allowing space for those who process more slowly. They are often your most thoughtful communicators and worthwhile to listen to.

PUT DOWN YOUR CELL PHONE.

You also need to put away your cell phone. I know, hard to do, but just holding your phone in your hand is communicating the message that there is probably something much more important that you are listening for. And if you answer a call, your message is clear—I don’t have time for you and this call is much more important.

Simon Sinek has a great video on “Smartphone Disrespect” you might want to watch that drives this point home. As leaders, we naturally want to model what we’d like to see in student and adult behavior.

It may be beneficial to show this short video to your staff members and for them to share it with students. I suggest you even view it your own kids! I watched it with my 20-something son and we had a great conversation.

PAY ATTENTION TO NON-VERBALS

Watch for non-verbal communication as well. What is NOT being said? How is the speaker standing or sitting, is he or she bored or engaged, what is he or she doing with her hands? Is the person communicating via eye contact or looking away? The research is clear that the largest part of the message is non-verbal, so their actions while speaking are important to note and will give you strong clues about the feelings of the speaker.

ACKNOWLEDGE FEELINGS

A final tip to showing the speaker you are listening is to paraphrase the feelings you are hearing. Say something like, So, you’re feeling frustrated or angry, annoyed, upset, or maybe excited. It’s super important to show empathy to build more trusting relationships. Gain more information and solicit deeper thoughts by asking the person to tell you more, or ask, what else?  Then ask, how can I help you with this? Oftentimes, you will then give a takeaway thought or question to consider rather than an immediate solution or advice.

Practicing active listening will result in big payoffs as you learn more about the people on your team. You gain their trust and build strong, lasting relationships. As a leader, when you do speak, you will have more and better information, make informed decisions, have the trust of your audience, and most importantly, people will listen.

WANT MORE TIPS FOR BUILDING YOUR TEAM. Check out my free guide below.